Table for two, minus "The One"

It's that time of year again. That special day where the single gets fatter, the romantic get lamer and Tinder* gets 100,000 new accounts. So if your Valentine's Day plans are already made, and they involve expensive Champagne, stuffed toys of any kind or heart shaped chocolate boxes (or you have your period) then stop reading. There's nothing here for you. But if you've already listened to “I don't need a man to make me feel good” by the Pussycat Dolls at least once this week and you’re on holiday with your parents wearing a knitted sweater, channelling Bridget Jones, please continue. Or, if you're a guy and your only pick-up line is “If you were a transformer, you'd be Optimus Fine,” well,  ’nuff said.

Let's be realistic, if you're single on this “jour d'amour” you're probably only interested in drowning your sorrows, finding a one night stand on Tinder and hoping by this time next year you have an actual relationship.

This love fest goes back centuries, but it has only gotten high tech in recent years. Are you single and ready to mingle this year but you don't have an iPhone? Then let's be honest - you're screwed. Because in this modern age, if a guy approaches you randomly on the street and asks you out, you'd be led to assume he's desperate and weird. Yet the same guy (who's still desperate and weird) sends you a “hey :)” on Tinder and he's in. So this Valentine's Day, accept defeat and get techno.

The beauty of online apps is that they really are for everyone. Even for the ugly, there are ways around it. Upload a hot photo of yourself (before your last breakup) ask to meet your date in a dark bar and tell them you'll arrive after drinks with friends (A.K.A please arrive equally as drunk so you get the impression I'm Megan Fox when really I'm Susan Boyle.)

If you're in Australia you probably shouldn't worry so much, people are more forgiving. Yet in Paris, first impressions are everything, so here are a few tips for you Aussie Battlers who have decided to give up the summer and make your way over to European winter.

If you're in France, remember, a “soirée” is not a party, don't be fooled. For us Australians the idea of a party conjures up images of a large rowdy crowd, loud music, copious amounts of alcohol, and drunken hookups with whoever our beer goggles bump us into. A country where girls can put their 'rig'* on display wearing next to nothing will actually give them a good reputation. Being objectified as a “rig”, “bird”, “Martin” or the pedophiles of 2014's favourite, a “Jartin” (juvie martin.)

Yet when you're in Paris, however, don't make the mistake of getting absolutely wasted, putting on your tiny ass shorts and not worrying about having to make small talk because everyone else is equally as drunk. Because in France a “soirée” will confront you with a small group of people, sitting in a circle sharing a bottle of wine. Whether your sober or not, you will wish you had prepared palm cards with topics being education, politics and what the new conceptual and hype places are for the pretentious youth.

Now generally foreign girls will have no trouble getting a date with a French guy, and in my recent experiences they have been, as the stereotype states, 'lovey', needy, clingy and well annoying. Obviously I had to actually go on a few dates to gain experiences so that my articles would have some factual basis/proof. So I will share what I've observed so far. Point being: Girls, if you're in Paris on Valentine’s Day you'll have no trouble getting a date. Boys however, French girls are harder to please.

So the other week I went on an actual date. (lol) So for the purpose of this article we'll call him George. For our date, George and I met ,funnily enough, at an Irish pub in The Marais. Not sure whether or not he was trying to prove he was cultured or could handle a pint (which I later found out he couldn't...) but there we were. His English was shit (no surprise) so we spoke in French the entire time. He arrived late of course wearing a suit but it was actually kind of a turn off because he was no Harvey Specter. I remarked “Oh you work in an office?” he replied “No I don't work, I study at La Sorbonne. Suits aren't compulsory but I like to look sophisticated.” An awkward silence followed, as I looked down at myself wearing jeans, New Balance trainers and a t-shirt.

The football was on. English blokes surrounded us, making jokes only I understood, followed by raucous laughter that clearly made George feel uncomfortable. He was out of his league. At that moment I really wished he just took me to some wanky French bistro so that he looked, well, more... normal. I think after that he felt the need to prove himself. So the second and third rounds of pints were ordered and of course again paid for by George, followed by a bottle of wine. Then something I wasn't prepared for happened. George was utterly wasted. Why was it awkward? Because I wasn't. He could barely walk. He looked retarded when he spoke and even the English soccer hooligans asked me “Is your boyfriend alright love?” (HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND F**CK!)

The next morning he attempted to send me a text in English, which read: “Hey cuttie wanto hung out some day?” followed by a text message at 4:00am in the morning saying “Je pense à toi” - I'm thinking of you”...(So anyone reading this if he sounds like your kind of man, I can slip you his real name and number)

So girls if you're alone this Valentine's Day accept that date with George because drowning your sorrows for free is always better than staying at home and watching 16 Candles, hoping that Jake Ryan will drive by in his red convertible. Guys not getting any at the soiree? Then best try your luck at a nightclub. If French girls moral compasses' are too high and they still won't have a bar of your uncouth banter, well lads there's always Café OZ.  

Happy Valentines Day. NAHT.

INDEX for anyone that isn't Australian or old that read this.
*Rig – Slang for Body “A good rig”

* Martin – Attractive girl “What a martin”
* Bird – Female “Fit bird”

* Tinder – A dating application. Google it.